


A Story With No End

by notmyyacht



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Fluff, Height Differences, M/M, Post-Episode: The Undiscovered Country
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 19:13:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13619895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notmyyacht/pseuds/notmyyacht
Summary: With every ending, there is a beginning.





	A Story With No End

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not quite sure what I wanted to accomplish with this. I guess I just wanted a more rounded end to Barba and Sonny's story and I ended up with this. I'm going to miss Barba a lot and I wanted him to have a happy ending.
> 
> This is completely unbeta'd so any and all mistakes are on me. Hope you guys enjoy this <3

Barba wasn’t sure how long he sat at the end of his bed, staring blankly into his closet. His gaze sifted through his suits, his ties, his waistcoats. His wardrobe used to have so much more color.

What happened to his life? What happened to the zeal he used to carry all the time? Not that he regretted any of it. Not the decisions he made along the way or how deep he allowed himself to be buried.

He loved his job, but he couldn’t do it anymore.

He bowed his head, no longer able to look at the beautifully tailored suits that he may never wear again. He closed his eyes, unable to even look at the floorboards. His apartment seemed too big all of a sudden, too much. He no longer fit in it.

Barba rubbed a hand over his face and clenched his jaw to keep from crying again.

How had it all crashed down so suddenly?

The familiar chime of the door broke through his fog. He made no move to stand. Maybe it was Rita. She had been the first he had asked to represent him for the trial. It hurt something deep inside of him when she had refused…

It couldn’t be his mother. She hadn’t spoken to him since the trial. Not that they had been on casual speaking terms in years.

Maybe it was Liv. One last attempt to try and talk him out of leaving. It was already too late for that.

The bell rang again.

Barba sucked in a breath and made his way to the front door. He closed one eye and peered out the peephole with the other. Oh.

Carisi.

What did he want? Carisi had been rather distant during the trial, not that Barba blamed him. What could a good Catholic boy possibly think about what Barba had done?

Barba unlocked the door and cracked it open.

“Hey Counselor,” said Carisi. The familiarity and amity of it made Barba’s breath catch in his throat. He had said it as if nothing was wrong and it was like any other day.

“You don’t need to call me that anymore, Carisi,” said Barba.

Carisi shrugged. “Then you don’t need to call me Carisi anymore.”

“Fair enough.” Barba opened the door wider. “Come in.”

Carisi closed the door behind him as he silently took in Barba’s apartment.

“This place is very _you_ ,” he said with a small smile.

 _Is it?_ thought Barba.

“Is there something you wanted?” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets to keep from fidgeting. Carisi said nothing, his eyes scanning Barba’s form before returning to looking about the place. They eventually fell back to Barba, the smile a little wider.

“What?”

“Nothing,” said Carisi, “Just… I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dressed this casually before. The tee and jeans is a good look for you.”

Barba self-consciously glanced down at his attire. He opened his mouth to repeat his question, but Carisi beat him to it.

“I heard you’re giving up law.”

The smile was gone from Carisi’s face. The silence that followed his statement began to stretch from seconds to minutes.

Barba’s mouth opened and closed a couple times as he struggled to find the right words. Carisi stood there, waiting for a reply with those sad puppy eyes. Carisi, who from the day they met, had always admired how Barba held the law in his hands like an acrobat juggling knives.

What he must think now.

“I don’t blame you,” said Carisi. “For any of it. I think you did what you believed was right. The jury saw that.”

“You think that justifies me continuing to practice law?” Barba looked at Carisi incredulously.

Carisi shrugged again. “It’s your decision. I’m not here to judge you.”

“Then why are you here?”

Carisi paused at the sharp reply, but recovered.

“Because we’re colleagues.”

“ _Were_ colleagues,” Barba corrected.

“Were colleagues. You were my mentor for a bit, too. You remember that? I wouldn’t have passed the bar if it weren’t for you.”

“Don’t be so modest, Carisi.”

That slight smile returned to play at the corner of Carisi’s mouth.

“C’mon Rafael, we can drop all the professionalism now, can’t we? After the late nights studying, the cases, the death threats… we’ve been through a lot, haven’t we? Can’t you be honest with me now?”

“What do you want me to say?” said Barba, his eyes welling up for the hundredth time in the past week. “You want me to break down and tell you that it’s killing me to leave this job?”

“Yes! You love law more than anything. I don’t understand how you can give it up like this.”

Barba furrowed his brow.

“What’s this about _Sonny?_ Is it about me or are you just uncomfortable at the notion I won’t be there anymore? Tough luck. I can’t always hold your team’s hand through every case.” Barba turned his back to him, anger and misery boiling in his chest.

Carisi stood there a moment. Then softly he said, “Yeah.”

When no other words followed, Barba turned back to him.

“Yeah what?”

“Yeah, it’s about you and I’m uncomfortable at the thought of you not being there. Not because we need hand-holding, but because you’re part of the team, Rafael. It just won’t be the same without you.”

“You’ll survive,” said Barba, sounding bitterer than he intended. His brain scrambled to rephrase, but nothing clicked. Instead he found himself saying aloud, “I can’t keep holding everything together, including myself. I need change.” He let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand through his graying hair.

“I’ll be alright, Sonny. I just need time. I don’t think there’s a place in the law for me anymore. You and the team, you’ll all be alright without me.”

Carisi nodded, listening and understanding. He was always good at that. Barba’s chest tightened and he swallowed the lump in his throat.

“What will you do?” asked Carisi.

Barba shrugged with a forced half-smile.

“Don't know. Maybe start by moving to a smaller apartment. This one doesn’t feel right anymore.”

Carisi gave the living room another once-over with a smile. When his eyes locked with Barba’s they twinkled with something. He opened his mouth to say something then promptly shut it.

“What is it?” said Barba.

“It’s just… there’s an apartment in my building that’s empty. The guy who lived there moved out when he got married couple weeks ago. Landlord’s been looking for a new tenant. It’s a good building too. It’s not nice like _this,_ but it’s clean, the rent is kind of affordable, and there are a lot of good, friendly people in it.”

Barba smiled slightly.

“Who would be my neighbors?”

“Me. The empty apartment is right across from mine, actually.” Carisi grinned and for a split second Barba thought Carisi was implying that he move in with him, instead of across the hall. And for a fraction of that time, Barba wished he was.

“God help the person who moves in,” he said with a teasing look that only made Carisi smile wider.

“If you do move in, I know all the best places to eat in the area. There’s this cute little family-owned café right across the street. Better than Starbucks.”

“Why Detective Carisi, are you _trying_ to steal my heart?” Barba felt time freeze the moment the words left his mouth. It was intended as a joke, but now that the question was out there…

Barba was never sure. He always amusingly thought that the young detective might have a crush on him. As time had passed, he’d grown to respect Carisi and see him more as his equal. Any consideration of romantic feelings became clouded over with the friendship that had grown between them.

Once, only once had Barba allowed himself to consider there was more. That time outside the courtroom when Carisi had told Barba that he had taken the bar. Something had changed then. Barba had pushed those feelings down, never once thinking they could be even probable.

Then the death threats had become more than texts and hang-ups. And there was Carisi, right by his side. Over time, the threats faded and Barba could feel safe again. But even when he was satisfied it was over, every once in a while Carisi would check in.

Carisi cared. And here he was again, standing in the fragments of what used to be a stable life Barba had built for himself. Carisi was still here.

 _Why not?_ Thought Barba.

Carisi’s cheeks were slightly pink as he brushed off the tease.

_Enough teasing._

“Maybe we could though… grab a coffee sometime,” said Barba.

Carisi’s eyebrows shot up.

“Yeah?”

A smile spread across Barba’s face. “Yeah.” He took a step forward. “Everything’s different now. We’re no longer colleagues. We could... maybe get a drink sometime.”

Barba inwardly cringed. It had been a long time since he’d put himself out there and it showed.

But he was lucky because he was asking Sonny Carisi out.

Carisi smiled and took a step forward himself.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

They were standing less than a foot apart. Barba was unable to look up at Carisi who smiled down on him. After everything, Carisi still looked at Barba like he was the moon and stars on a clear night.

 _Let yourself have this_ , Barba told himself. _Just once, let yourself be happy._

He turned his head and slightly pushed himself up on his toes. Carisi met him halfway and their lips met. Arms held each other tight as they stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity. Perhaps not everything had fallen apart; perhaps new things could be built.

Barba sighed against Carisi’s mouth.

_Finally._


End file.
